Why I don't want to be a cricket umpire...
Umpiring would be a good job option but with skippers hogging the work of umpires lately, that will prove to be laborious too. Nor can I dodge those mighty hurricanish bludgeoning straight down the ground by pinch-hitters.Nor can I watch non-subcontinental spinners bowl the same line in a drab way.Monty - an exception, I would give batsmen out just to watch him celebrate in his zany ways. With many instances of flat benign tracks not offering assistance to any mode of bowling, I cant just be watching the batsmen exploit such conditions and never get a chance of drinking gatorade while someone gets out.
I dont like the idea of being under scrutiny as I won't give Sachin out in the most fictitious of the dreams.
Bowled or caught or both... No - Ball. d
LBW eh? My head will be ever ready to shake ( would love to add a digitus impucidus-middle finger salute)
And also the thought of carrying those sweat drenched hankies, glasses and battered foul-smelling caps of bowlers while they are bowling... Ugh ! Signalling four or six or leg-byes to empty stands when some away team is playing will perhaps top the charts for the most ridiculous sight in sport. With excellent tigerish fielders filled sides like Australia, I always have to be on the run to avoid their cannon-like impeccable throws and simultaneously monitor the stumps closely to check on possible run-outs. And the critics easily write us off as incapable when we refer to the 3rd umpire ass often... To hell with them.
After ditching the traditional white apparel for ODIs in the lines of commercialization of the game following the advent of Kerry Packer series, the ICC officials never spared a thought about the umpire's boring and sick white dress. No wonder, cricket players get all the limelight and celebrity girls ( though its for certain that they ll be dumped after a tour) . Another strong reason is that I am not good at pacifying verbal duels and even worse, I am an expert at aggravating it. So the next time you see me umpiring for an Ind-Aus match, you can well expect WWE style clashes on field between Symonds or Hayden and Bhajji. And how I wish I could dance with Sreeshanth while he performs break dance steps...
Thousands of thoughts will revolve in my head while a match is going on...
~~Wow that hot chick sitting within my eyesight in the pavilion stand looks great ~~Damn that third umpire guy, sitting relaxed in his a/c room absolutely idle and just having to press a button to my rare queries ~~ How I wish I could have a bluetooth device on for Hawkeye updates ~~ Jeez, this bowler's hankie smells worse than my socks, will never signal no-ball to him as it might prolong the time I have to carry this piece of shit ~~ You hard hitting batsman, don't ever think of hitting in my direction or I'll dismiss you for LBW on a bouncer ball ~~ Now,where is the restroom? ~~ Next tea break, I should somehow usharpannify or flirt with that Pepsi cart girl ~~ OMG, Symonds at mid-on position, even harder now to dodge his accurate throws ~~
But circumnavigating the globe ( OC la ) will be great fun and things can't get any better in Carribean beaches %-). And the bitter side of touring is Srilanka's sweltering heat and pathetic looking girls. ( Now, don't accuse me to be a racist, just watch the crowds in SL matches!)
The other secret desires - to trip a bowler during his run-up and watch him tumble with that wicked smile; during India-is-gonna-lose-for sure situation, declare the match abandoned due to poor light or do a Darrel Hair act.
Bribery am totally against it ... wait let me complete ... when am not involved in it!
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